How to stop worry plaguing your life
Back in the day, before I’d found the solution to my well-honed fear of public speaking, I’d spend endless hours tossing & turning whilst my mind worked its way through everything that could go wrong. Invariably there’d be a training course to run or a meeting to lead.
It might be days away but my mind decided that night-time preparation was the only way to deal with it. Minute by minute, hour by hour, I’d rehearse everything. From dealing with awkward delegates to ad-hoc questions & ad-lib answers, all practiced & stored, ready for the day.
Despite this, I never felt ready. The constant worrying was exhausting.
Whether it’s public speaking, joining in during a meeting, a wedding speech or a meal with friends, anxiety is something we humans seem to be well adapted to.
But why? Why do we have his capacity to worry? And more importantly, what can we do to stop it running out of control & morphing into attacks of anxiety?
What the hell is ‘Worry’ for?
The future’s on its way and you can’t stop thinking about it. No matter how much you try to stop, you just keep thinking turning it over and over in your mind. Whether it’s a speech, presentation or meeting, whether it’s work or social, those concerns flood your mind with painful thoughts & feelings.
It gets closer by the day, night, hour. No matter how much you try to ignore it, worry won’t go away. It grabs your attention & won’t let go.
It begs the question of why worry is so important that it can’t just be switched off? Why did we evolve the capacity for ‘worry’?
Psychologists explain it like this:
“Worry’s an unpleasant sensation with physical components such as butterflies, nausea, shortness of breath, jitteriness or indigestion. It also comes with symptoms such as excessive pre-occupation & wanting to get rid of those sensations as soon as possible.”
‘Worry’ makes a future problem painful enough to grab your attention right now. It’s a way of making you decide whether to take advantage of today’s opportunities or to prepare for the future.
Think of it as a notification alert on your phone. It pings at you & your attention flicks from what you were supposed to be doing to looking at whatever IOS, Android or Windows decided you should look at instead!
Do you keep doing what you were doing, (and who doesn’t love a cat video?), or do you find yourself thinking about whatever the reminder’s reminded you to do?
In an ideal world, you make a sensible decision and choose whichever’s best at that moment. Is it the task you were already doing or should you change to deal with the new task?
How does this help stop worry?
Simple. Worry is like your notification on your mobile. Think of it like that reminder. All you need to do is make an active decision about whether to address the ‘worry alarm’ or to decide to defer it until later. Importantly, this is not the same as ignoring the worry. Actively deciding not to deal with the problem yet is very different to pretending it’s not there.
Ignoring worry is like your kids not replying when you call them in for dinner, and let’s face it when they do, don’t you just shout for them even louder, (or is that just me)? If they tell you they’ll be down in five minutes after they’ve finished this revision question, you’re more inclined to wait…yes?
The trick is to find a solution to the problem your mind’s bringing to your attention.
This is what ‘worry’ is for.
So first up, work out what you’re worrying about.
Then sit down & list out all the things you could do to solve the problem.
Make an active decision about what you’re prepared to do, (and importantly, what you’re not prepared to do).
There are three options here:
You take whatever action is needed to solve the future problem. Worry’s done its job. It reminded you & you did your thing. No more worry.
After due consideration, you decide not to address the future problem yet. Worry has done its job and stops...for now. You’ve just hit the worry snooze button. It’ll come back & remind you later. Might be today, tomorrow or next week.
Remember that each time you snooze the alarm, it’ll be that little bit more urgent & important next time the reminder comes.
Eventually, you decide ‘Today’s the day’ & you take action. Do step 1 as above
After thinking it all through, you realise there’s absolutely nothing you can do to make a difference to the future problem. This means you’ve already done everything you can to solve or prepare for the problem.
Importantly, if you don’t do anything, or ignore the problem or simply keep hitting the snooze button, hoping it’ll go away on its own, worry will come back louder and more intense. After all, worry is trying to get your attention, so if you ignore it, it’ll shout all the louder.
From a purely practical point of view, this’ll stop worry in its tracks, putting it firmly under your control.
Worry isn’t something to worry about. It’s part of an evolutionary problem-solving system...
What if that doesn’t work?
But there’s a problem with this. What if there isn’t a future problem that’s triggered the worry-self. What if what you’re worrying about is the feeling of worry. This is why worry can become uncontrolled anxiety
“When people are anxious, particularly suffering with generalised anxiety, they feel the anxiety and then wonder why it is there. The natural assumption is that something MUST be wrong. And then their thinking brains go on a search for an explanation. Remember: if you can figure it out, anxiety goes away. Without a solution, it keeps on searching.”
Use these 6 steps to stop worry
Acknowledge the worry and that it’s trying to help (this may feel a little weird at first!)
Identify if there IS an underlying future problem that you CAN address
If there is, decide whether you will address it or not.
If ‘Yes’, guess what? Do whatever you’ve decided to do.
If ‘No’, then that’s a decision too.
You’ve done everything you’re prepared to do to address the future problem.
(This takes a bit of practice, so do persevere. It’s worth the effort)